The mystic’s midnight lamp
The stone steps of broken temples
The clock’s timely fictions
The student’s frustrated pen
The father’s footprints on a child’s grave
The sleepless eyes dilating in the dark
The dew that drowns the insect
The shivering skin of love
The arrows that end in death
The solitude of defecation
The sand that buries the carcass
The suicide’s meticulous handwriting
The ashes of burnt dreams
The shadows over the unfought battlefield
The sea’s stammered prophecy
The intimate gaze between hunter and hunted
The stone steps of broken temples
The clock’s timely fictions
The student’s frustrated pen
The father’s footprints on a child’s grave
The sleepless eyes dilating in the dark
The dew that drowns the insect
The shivering skin of love
The arrows that end in death
The solitude of defecation
The sand that buries the carcass
The suicide’s meticulous handwriting
The ashes of burnt dreams
The shadows over the unfought battlefield
The sea’s stammered prophecy
The intimate gaze between hunter and hunted
posted by Ernest Scribbler at 9/07/2005 11:19:00 PM
2 Comments:
a mystic's midnight lamps stone
steps of broken
temples, timely fictions
clocks pen sleepless
eyes dilating dark father’s
footprints on a child’s
grave skin of love
shivering arrows
solitude of defecation
sand that buries
the carcass
the suicide’s
meticulous handwriting
shadows over the unfought
sea-stammer
the gaze between
hunter and hunted
Email response from a published ("real") poet:
The mystic’s midnight lamp
The stone steps of broken temples
*this second line is gorgeous..temples as related to
the temples of the mystic's mind as well as those of architecture
The clock’s timely fictions
like the idea of time as fiction
The student’s frustrated pen
this one doesn't feel as powerful
The sleepless eyes dilating in the dark
i like the idea of dilating-- seems like there could be more here in relation to time
The dew that drowns the insect
the dew that drowns the insect is also beautiful-pathos filled...love this one
The father’s footprints on a child’s grave
The shivering skin of love
Arrows that end in death
The solitude of defecation
chilling thought and so true...as if defecation were a form of birth/death (we are born and die
alone)...strange that this is one of the few times where people are alone
The sand that buries the carcass
i like the sense of erasure with this..imagining sand as a grain that like snow, leads a viewer to forget
what is underneath...chilling too
The suicide’s meticulous handwriting
this is one of my favorite lines and i can't tell you quite why..i guess maybe the sense that one who would kill himself would be one so concerned with perfection
The ashes of burnt dreams
this one is more expected, less surprising
The shadows over the unfought battlefield
the foreshadowing of this line is great...the idea of potential energy...what is destined to end or begin..
The sea’s stammered prophecy
The intimate gaze between hunter and hunted
why name the gaze as intimate? can you show it...but i like this too
N, this is poetry yes. If you write a lot like this you can also mix it up and consider line breaks more often. Hopefully you won't be offended-- I'm going to take the liberty to cut down some things and show you what I mean:
a mystic's midnight lamps stone
steps of broken
temples, timely fictions
clocks pen sleepless
eyes dilating dark father’s
footprints on a child’s
grave skin of love
shivering arrows
solitude of defecation
sand that buries
the carcass
the suicide’s
meticulous handwriting
shadows over the unfought
sea-stammer
the gaze between
hunter and hunted
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