ambien rant

enough abstraction, enough hiding behind the vagaries of vocabulary - damn, i'm doing it again, even in the act of resignation my words, my precious weapons that i use to battle my way out of the grasping specters of loneliness come back and haunt, hovering over my fingers... can i ever escape these spiralings, is there even something to escape to, a more primordial core authenticity or are we just smoke and mirrors, running from surface to surface, missing that nonexistent depth that seems to hold the secret to something... i don't even know what. it's easy to move forard, propelled by inertia, Newton's first law or third, i can't remnember, much harder to stop, look back. like a man running down a hill schopenhauer once said, but then why am i quoting some dead german guy... the point it running downhill, you build momentum and it's eassiest just to keep in check with that, because if you stop, you'll fall (i did when i was seven, running down the steep incline that leads to the park in front of riverside drive...) fell on my forehead with a smack. Memories, i spoke to K of my earliest memories at this very table. She really enjoyed analysing them, vivid they were. But she is gone and i must learn to forget. it is so hard, but to unlearn is far more important than learning at this point. but i was saying that the sense of progress you get from flying forward is deceptive, it's not real movement, it's the inability to stand still, to turn around and stop the flow of time in its tracks, i've been reading benjamin and he's on to something here. i feel like i'm writing inbtimately with you guys, one of the greatest anxieties i have as a writer is the reader, but this sharing feels safe in a way... yes, i'm probably affected by the sleeping pills and stuff, but maybe this is the only way to get beyond the pretention to get beneath the assumed vocabulary that has taken root in my writing and speaking, and root it out... who can just stop flying with the flow, and accept the fall, the crash - scrape your knees hit your head, that all too familiar nauseous wave that engulfs you the minute after impact... what memories. but you see, maybe it is the memories that help in this halting, coming to a stop, not to live in fear, not to be propelled by the negative energy expended in order to keep the fear behind, but to allow it to catch up with myself and inhabit it, don't slay the dragon become the dragon